When I was in high school I heard once that not everyone has an inner voice. Like when they read things or were writing things they couldn’t hear the reading in their heads. I am the opposite of that. When I originally heard this it was mind-blowing that other people didn’t have an inner sounding board. Now whether this was learned or taught for me I am not sure. I do know that I’ve always had this, but the one thing I didn’t know how to do was “think before you speak.” I think I’ve learned to slow down now, but especially in my youth that just wasn’t possible.
Most recently I was scrolling, as we all do, and I saw a message from a guy who said that your inner monologue could be ruining your sense of creativity. That if you’re constantly monitoring yourself you’ll never create something by accident because things are thought out. He even did this test where at first he was speaking, then he held up a notebook, and written was the continuation of this conversation. He asked, “When you read this, can you hear yourself?” For me, yes, I can hear myself. I feel like I’ve always had this private narrator in my head. But when he said this could be blocking my creativity, I had to stop for a moment.
As someone who has CPTSD from childhood abuse, I struggle with getting things wrong. I don’t know if it’s first-born daughter syndrome or a culmination of my mouth getting me far more physical abuse than I deserved. Along the way of my experience through this life, I kept hearing that my mouth was going to write a check my ass couldn’t cash, or my mouth was going to get me in trouble. So what happens when you start to internalize this information? You slowly but surely become fearful of speaking too soon or saying your truth.
In a lot of ways, as I’ve grown older, I know that having an inner monologue and a way to process quickly is to my benefit, but like most things, everything has a cost.
More recently I’ve found myself not wanting to create speaking content. I have plenty of thoughts, however I feel as though my voice and my mind aren’t always in sync.
Being able to create with freedom and being able to see it before it has landed and review it before it’s caused harm is one thing.
Then that brought up another scar. My need to be seen the way I want and not the way that I am. The self-sabotage of perfectionism. Taking my true writing and reviewing it through AI, because why trust your thoughts when you’ve been told before your thoughts aren’t safe?
The internet is not a safe place. It’s a place where lots of information resides, but it’s all from a perspective. Everyone has an opinion, yet no one wants to be “wrong.” The ongoing comparison of lives. Look at what this person is doing, leaving themselves open to judgment.
I’ve been posting online for a long time now. To be honest, I didn’t start off with the idea of counting views or likes. I was just having fun yapping and sharing my experiences, until sharing my experience and the lessons I was learning turned into a bashing. People taking my clips and judging me and my process. It played me right back into the hands of my childhood trauma, where my speaking got me into trouble I didn’t ask for.
The internet, and most of the large creators on it, is filled with people fighting for space in the minds and hearts of people they don’t even know and will likely never meet.
It’s a great way to express yourself and make extra money, but where does the line end?
I know this all now reads like the rambling of my ADHD, but stay with me.
This leads us right back to our ability to comprehend and our inner monologues. If what we consume ends up leading us to the inner voice that hinders our ability to create, in fear of comparison, judgment, past trauma, etc., then does that render this bad?
For me, like most things, everything has a place and a time. Neither thing is innately good or bad, they just are. We get to create the opinion. Finding the balance in it and its use is up to the individual.
Because of the reasons listed above, I have tended to play the peacemaker, keeping my opinions really neutral and not sharing the way I really feel. But I will today. My inner monologue helps me, and I think that anything that helps you through, regardless of what others may say, as long as it’s not harming or hurting you or anyone else, you should keep doing. I think we have a whole lot of people who are getting degrees via Google and ChatGPT who have a lot of feelings they wish to change instead of just owning who they are, and maybe that’s why I’ve moved to writing. In a lot of ways, I’ve said something and absolutely meant every word, but for whatever reason I ended up having to explain further. I am tired of explaining.
I am tired of explaining.
I don’t think anyone should care what someone else is doing.
We live in a world full of judgment, and everyone gets tired of it. Creating content just isn’t fun when ridicule is lingering and the only thing you wanted to do is voice your opinion. In a world where the desire for closeness and community is higher than it’s ever been, we sure do find a way to isolate, judge, and separate ourselves.
This is just some of the ways I process. Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.
Let me know your thoughts on this.
Talk soon,
China
